Playing The Piper - I

“Who do you call when you hit rock bottom?”

James asked again. His questions are getting annoying but I just don’t know the best possible friendly way to tell him to stop. 

With each word he utters, I get aggravated and imagine myself knocking the life out of him. I am not a violent person or have issues with James, but sitting here staring at him just seem to set me off. 

I got so lost in my head and didn’t even notice he was still talking, wait, is he expecting a reply or something? Oh no he asked a question, what did he say.

“Can you say that again sorry” I must have looked perturbed but that did not dissuade him from more enquiries.

“I said, have you been to…never mind, this date isn’t going so well, is it?”

“I am so sorry, it’s not you, I tend to zone out a lot”. This was possibly the best reply I could give plus I was already feeling bad for my unfriendly aura. 

“You don’t have to apologize, as long as you will be my arm candy, we will excel in this” that was it, he just had to say that to make me flare-up. My face must have given off a different colour or some transformation must have occurred. I must have shape-shifted into a monster or something, I have no idea which of this happened but I got up from my seat so abruptly, you will think an insect stung me. 

“Your ‘arm candy?’ werey ni e, I have told you not to use that word. You just chose to be a nitwit….”

“Calm down Agne…”

“Oh no you didn’t just say ‘calm down’” people were beginning to stare at us but I just didn’t care. I was practically screaming at the top of my voice, I can tell by the pain at the tip of my tongue, this always happens when I speak louder than usual. James just sat there dumbfounded and perplexed by my chagrin.

“Will it kill you to wear cologne or dress as though you can afford it. Agbada to a date, do I look like I am from Ijebu Ode. You can’t even afford a platter, Brooklyn like you, yet you want to go on a date, making me sip water like a camel” I kept talking and throwing as much shade as I can piece together. Suddenly, I felt a smack on my cheek, what happened next was unplanned and unexpected. I picked up a Montrachet Grand Cru2001 from a nearby table and smashed it on his head, without thinking of the repercussion of my action. Maybe it was the red liquid oozing out of his head, screaming from the couples seated close by and probably the poignant smell of James’ “Agbada”, that brought me back to earth. I was awestruck at first but eventually felt relieved, it was a wrong course of action but for some unknown reasons, it felt right. It took a couple of minutes to dawn on me the gravity of my offence and I had no idea when the men in uniform showed up or when I was handcuffed. All I saw was James gasping for breath as two men tried to revive him. The whole scenario seemed familiar, so when I got to the police van, it was easy to negotiate some kind of agreement considering the fact that the justice system in Nigeria is corrupt. Having bribed the police, I got a cab and headed home where I can be left partially in peace.

I have been on a couple of dates before James, and it has always ended badly. It is either I get arrested or they get arrested depending on who had physical proof of being attacked and they always throw the first punch. You might wonder why I never just give up on finding the perfect match considering the end result, the fact that it has become a normal occurrence to sabotage relationship before they begin, has never deterred me from going on dates, sometimes I wonder if I was cursed or it’s my destiny to ruin relationships before they begin. It is not really my fault; I just happen to always end up with people of peculiar interest. This was never the path I chose, I believe this path chose me, so before you label me a demon, think about your vices.

The ride home after every date always gives me a fresh perspective on the next course of action; like who is next on the list or where will my next hunting ground be. Today wasn’t such a bad day, my pretty face is still intact with a little bruise that is not so obvious plus I got promoted at work and expecting my project approval; my day couldn’t have been any better. Call me petty but James will pay for that slap, the nerve of him.

The neighborhood was still busy when I got home and Cynthia my flatmate is definitely waiting to get the juicy story of my date; she’s always looking forward to it but tonight is different, I just want to be left alone. She will understand, the only human in this universe that gets me more than anyone. If only she was a man, she’s definitely my perfect match. 

“her royal highness, no worry, I don hear your gist” she cut me off guard, standing by the gate and looking pretty as usual without makeup on.

“babe.. babe, abeg leave matter, I’m not in the mood right now. Just help me use your mumu button for Bar. Kome”

“ehmmm, what is wrong with this one, bet why” Cynthia being her usual self, I have a feeling she will talk me out of this one but I won't let that happen.

“you know me now, I won’t ask if it wasn’t vital…so do the needful abeg” she gave me a long stare, came close then gave me a hug and laughed “it was just a slap, you will get over it”

“yeah right, you recall when Ahmed slap you abi” she let out a huge cackle and let go off me

“good one, you and your cheap blackmail, no problem, Mr. agbada is going to jail”

laughing out loud I asked how she knew about his outfit “have you heard of that thing called social media, you are trending already. One of your colleagues happens to have been in the same restaurant…I won’t tell you who before you go carry your winch ruin their job”

We laughed over everything, I was not in the mood to talk but Cynthia has a way of making you open up; her HR role is really rubbing off on everyone. After a while, I felt better and the whole incident with James became a blur. We chose a different topic of discussion and probably laughed till we slept off. It was a peaceful night that started off on a wrong path.

When you search desperately and intensely, using all the resource you have, what you seek might not present itself until maybe when you least expected. With this in mind, I stepped out the next day, having no intentions of creating a niche that will lead to another date. But there he was; who knew, a man can be pretty. I must have been drooling when I saw him because I lost sight of where I was headed and almost got hit by a bike. Is he looking at me? I was wondering, or maybe it was my imagination. Whatever the case was, I am not letting him go. So I gave a little wave believing he was staring at me, if he doesn't respond, all I have to do is pretend I was saying hello to a neighbor, after all, I was still within my home. To my surprise, he waved back and walked up to me.
"I thought they banned bike in Lagos, I could sue that guy for almost running you over" his voice magically melted my heart and I was lost for words; a talent I never possessed till now.
"uhmm, yeah yes... I think" I was just rambling with no thoughts about words coming out of my lips.
"so what do you say about riding with me.. my car is parked over there" I just met him and he is already offering to give me a ride, does he think I am one of those pick-up chicks. I felt so disappointed, but he is cute and I was already tripping. He must have read my thoughts because he smiled then shook his head "no I don't do that... I was just trying to help, seeing that a bike almost run you down but you seem okay so I'll just let you then". Real smooth, I thought. He was already walking away when I called out to him "I didn't get your name. He gave that charming smile again then say "it's James, just James"

I gave out a loud laugh and looked up "way to go big guy up there.. way to go" then followed my James.

To be continued.....